The church of ableism

If you grew up in and around the church, or you know evangelicals, while also living with a mental illness or another disability/illness, you’re probably traumatized by that experience.

Unfortunately, this is normal for folks who have ties to the church. I’ve shared before how the church handled my mental break in my 20s. They told me my agoraphobic ways were due to me not trusting god enough. They told me my panic attacks were caused by not praying enough. They told me my depression was caused by not attending church enough.

The interesting thing about that time in my life is, I was steeped in God. Every move I made, every thought, every word spoken, was God. At that time, I was in church 4 days a week and worked as a teacher at a christian school. I prayed for an hour every morning and night. I only listened to worship music. I read my Bible for at least an hour a day. I did devotional books that were all biblical based daily. The only events I attended outside of my church were at other churches. I only hung out with church folks.

To say I was confused as to how I wasn’t trusting god or needing to get closer to him in the midst of this time in my life, is an understatement. I thought I couldn’t hang out with that dude more. I thought I couldn’t trust him and talk to him more than I already was, so clearly I was failing and needed to do more for god to be okay mentally.

Four months of trying my hardest to get even closer to god after my mental break came, led to me staring down the inside of a bottle pills while on my knees crying and asking god what else I had to do for him.

(An excerpt from my diary during the worst of it. This whole diary is very triggering for me. I don’t open it at all.)

I was so tired. I was weak after losing 30 pounds in a month from anxiety and not sleeping for months. I still don’t know how I made it through that time. Lots of those memories are fuzzy because they were so traumatic, I blocked out a lot of them. But I know at some point I forced myself out of the house to see a psychiatrist because I didn’t know what else to do. He put me on meds that saved my life.

I remember about a month after I got on those meds and a bit of normalcy came back to my brain, I shared with someone in the church what I had gone through and that I was doing better. And they said “it’s by the grace of God you’re still here with us”. And I got so angry. God had nothing to do with me getting better. That mother fucker abandoned me as chased him relentlessly. I said to that person, “no. It’s by the grace of modern medicine that I’m still here.” And I never spoke to that person again.

That’s when my deconstruction journey truly began. It would take me years to fully walk away, but that was the beginning of the end for me with the church and religion.

It was at that time that I started to realize the church’s inability to recognize illnesses and disabilities. It was at that time that I realized the church would always invalidate my mental illnesses. It was at that time that I realized the church will use fear mongering to keep you within those walls and then turn around and say you’re causing your own fear and anxiety. Nah bro. The church causes that. That’s their number one selling point. Threats of hell= fear mongering. Promises of healing if you trust god more=fear mongering.

I didn’t really see just how bad it was until Sabin was diagnosed as autistic. When I had people praying for him to be healed. Like they didn’t tell me all my life god sees you before you’re born. He knows the plans for your life. Every child is perfect in gods eyes. But if your child comes out disabled let’s pray for him because everything I said is bullshit and we’re incredibly ableist and need to fix your poor broken child. My favorite thing about Sabin is his unawareness of a lot things. That thing that Christians tried to pray out him is the same thing that will protect him from the same ableist Christians who tell him he needs to be healed.

I’ve watched in recent years as Christians have invalidated disabled folks struggles. One of my family members has an incurable disease and they were bombarded with healing prayers and also underhandedly told if they went to church more they’d probably be healed. Just a few days ago I watched a video of a woman prepping for her end of life care. She’s terminal. She will die from her cancer. This woman was being vulnerable, sharing the incredibly difficult journey of knowing your time is coming, and a woman in the comments completely invalidated her. She came in hot with the “god is the ultimate healer. Lean on him and you will be healed. Pray for a miracle.” This shit makes me rage. If god was the ultimate healer, no one would die, you insensitive fool. And let’s not even begin to get into how Christians have been so fucking selfish in regards to covid. Like the disabled aren’t disproportionately affected by the virus, but who gives a fuck because the Christians need their freedoms and constitutional rights!!!!

This mindset that Christians push is so toxic. You’re essentially telling people if they pray to god to heal them and he doesn’t then they weren’t worthy enough to be healed. It’s the same thing I was fed. I wasn’t getting better because I wasn’t worthy enough. And it’s no shock that Christians refuse to acknowledge the doctors and science that save people every day. They thank god, like somehow that fool was in the operating room for 10 hours doing open heart surgery, or somehow that fool was there telling your psychiatrist which medication to put you on so you don’t kill yourself.

Following god doesn’t make your a better person than a non-believer. It doesn’t give you higher rank over others. It doesn’t give you the power to condemn non-believers (even though you will because that’s the christian way). It only makes you a follower of god. That’s it. Your beliefs are not others beliefs. Your beliefs however, effect many people. You can do lots of damage with those beliefs, and I’m proof of that.

I know now my previous walk with god or supposed lack thereof, had nothing to do with my fear and anxiety. I know now my fear and anxiety was partially birthed from the pressure in the church. I know the red flags now. If someone says “your fear and troubles in life are because you’re not walking with god” I fucking run the other way. I genuinely feel sorry for those people, because they actually think they have to be walking a certain path in life to be worthy of good and peace.

Everyone is worthy of good and peace, no matter what god they do or don’t believe in. No one should have to work so hard every day to prove their allegiance to a man in the sky so they won’t be stricken with fear. But the church will continue to tell your that because fear is their favorite game.

I have never known greater peace since leaving the chruch. I have never cared more deeply for people who were nothing like me since leaving the chruch. I have never loved people harder for who they are since leaving the church. I know Christians like to spin the narrative that people leave the church to sin willfully to make themselves feel superior, but that’s a farce. I’m sober. Have been for 3 years. The Christians who drink after church on Sunday lookin’ like clowns right now. I advocate hard for the disabled, POC, and actively speak out against White supremacists. I don’t say this toot my own horn, I say this because I’m doing the shit I thought the church should’ve been doing according to jesus and the Bible more now than when I was a christian. The Christians who cheer for white supremacy and say they don’t see color are quaking and looking through their bibles for a scripture to take out of historical context to justify their racism.

Your fears and troubles in life will not go away no matter what you believe in. Your disabilities and illnesses will not magically disappear no matter what you believe in. Your worthiness is not dependent on what you believe in. Your life will be much more peaceful when you realize this is the ultimate way and truth in life.